Failtastic
by IceCrome
Summary: Seiya and Mamoru fight for Usagi, but things aren't going as planned. Cracktastic. OS.


_I don't know. Honestly, I always had this vision of Mamoru and Seiya fighting for Usagi, but like little pussies. And that is what spawned this._

_And in 'Ground Rules', I know I said Mamoru held no qualms against Seiya, but dammit, you have to admit this would be hilarious._

_© Naoko Takeuchi._

* * *

"Seiya, Mamo-chan, please don't do this." Mamoru and Seiya, the two of them staring coldly at each other, stood on the street. Usagi and Chibiusa stood on the side. Due to the fact that Chibiusa had some unknown love for watching people fight, the pink-haired spore was cheering 'you can do it, Mamo-chan' and 'Fight, fight, fight'.

Needless to say, she was not helping one bit.

"Chibiusa, don't encourage them! Fighting never solves anything!" Usagi chided her future daughter, and Chibiusa pouted.

"Usako, don't worry. We just need to solve this little...ordeal." Mamoru said.

"Well, at least put your _shirts_ back on! For the love of God, both of you are half-naked standing in the middle of the street!" Truth be told, Usagi was both enjoying the sight and mortified all at the same time. Honestly, her boyfriend and Seiya were about to fight—shirtless—in the middle of the street. Aggravatingly, a crowd was already growing.

And it also did not help that Mako-chan, Minako, Ami and Rei were yelling out 'Go Mamoru-san's' and 'you can do it'! Plus, Yaten and Taiki were grumbling, and blushing as they saw their leader fighting over a girl who wore buns in her head. Needless to say, they were disturbed.

Usagi wanted to go crawl in a hole and die.

"Take off your pants!" Minako yelled towards Seiya. Yaten gave her a horrified look, which she returned with a cheeky smile.

"Mi_na_ko..." Usagi grumbled, and ground her teeth together.

"Take off your pants! Take off your pants!" Rei, Mako-chan and Minako chanted all at once, and Ami stepped to the right, pretending not to know them.

"Stop. Please." Taiki said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

The group quieted when Seiya spoke up, "Are you ready, Mamoru-san?" Seiya said, a hint of cockiness in his voice. Mamoru closed his eyes and smirked.

"More ready than ever." Minako ran to the center, acting as a pseudo-referee.

"Alright! The two of you, get your butts over here! Shake hands, and then...well...fight!"

"Mamo-chan, beat him up! You can do it!" Chibiusa cheered, and Usagi hit her in the back of the head.

"Don't encourage them, Chibiusa! If they fight, then Mamo-chan's sleeping on the _couch!_" She said rather loudly, emphasizing 'couch'. She looked over and saw Mamoru noticeably tense up. Seiya was aware of this too, and laughed.

"Well, well, Odango. I didn't know you two were that intimate." Usagi's face turned a variety of reds. They were in front of a _crowd, _for Christ's sake!

"Stop. No. Please. God..." Usagi fell to the ground, covering herself with her knees and arms. Minako giggled.

"Alright, now that we've got their intimate life out of the way, Mamoru-san! Seiya-kun! Get over here and show some respect for each other!"

"Seiya...please. What will the Princess think?" Yaten said, burying his face in his hands. Taiki, trying to ignore the two of them, brought out his cell phone and started to play pong. Yaten gave him a dirty glare.

"You could help, you know!"

"I could, but I won't." Taiki said, not looking up from his game. Yaten sighed, and looked up at the 'fight'.

"Okay, shake hands you two." Mamoru put out a hand, and Seiya shook it against his will. Minako nodded her head, and crossed her arms.

"Now on my go, fight!" Seiya geared up to attack, but Minako stopped him.

"That wasn't the signal, doofus!" Minako pouted at him, and Seiya rubbed the back of his head.

"Whoopsie daisy."

"Now," Minako ran back to Mako-chan's side, "fight!"

The two circled around each other for about a minute or so. Mamoru went through a planning process in his mind.

_'Okay Mamoru, think of a plan. Kicking him swiftly in the balls and running doesn't seem very...good. Besides, that goes against the unwritten code. Now, to show him that Usako's mine, I need to formulate a good plan. Er....I know! I'll round kick his ankles, and he'll fall to the ground, and then I'll back-flip, and pin him down! Foolproof'_

However, Seiya was thinking of a plan of his own.

_'Kick him in the balls and run! Kick him in the balls and run!'_

Mamoru charge, swiftly knocking him to the ground.

"Seiya!" Yaten called out. Taiki didn't notice (nor care), as he was wrapped up in his pong game.

"Come on you little bitch, get over there..." Taiki swore at his game, and Yaten threw him another dirty look. He sighed.

"Minako-san, could you plea-."

"GO MAMORU!" Minako yelled. Yaten sighed, and sulked onto the ground. Meanwhile, Usagi was still sulking, and looking at the two as if they were mentally retarded. In actuality, they probably were. Especially Mamoru, with his puke-green jacket. I mean really. Really?!

"Mamo-chan, you stop this moment! Seiya, this isn't proving anything!" Usagi grumbled, and Chibiusa, now clad in a cheerleading uniform, cheered and danced for her future father. Usagi had the urge to slap her upside the head again, but decided against it.

"Okay, you know what!" Seiya got up, and sissy-slapped Mamoru in the face.

"Hey! Ow! That hurt!" Mamoru sissy-slapped him back. The two commenced a pussy slap-fight, making everybody in a two-mile radius drop their jaws and twitch ever so slightly in their eyes.

Chibiusa stopped cheerleading, and Usagi slapped a palm to her forehead. Her boyfriend had just gone from macho to a pansy in five seconds flat. The two were slapping each other silly, each doing about (in Pokemon terms) one point of damage.

"Time out, time out, time out!" Seiya said, panting. Mamoru put his hands on his knees and panted as well, but was slapped by Seiya, who grinned cockily.

"Time in!"

"You tool!" Mamoru slapped him back, and the two flailed their arms back and forth as they hit each other into submission, despite 'hitting each other into submission' meaning 'kindof hurting the other a tiny bit'.

"Holy—what's Seiya doing? He trained for like, hours! And now he's just in a sissy fight? What the hell, man!" Yaten said, hands tightening and mouth agape. He sulked.

"Mhm..." Taiki said, still too into Pong.

"Taiki, help! Shout words of encouragement, dammit!"

"Mhm..."

"I—I give up..." Yaten said, and fell to the ground, pouting and glaring at the 'fight'.

* * *

_AWKWARD SEGWAY~!_

Meanwhile, in Usagi's mind, she was both horrified and turned on at the sight of her boyfriend fighting shirtless, however 'fighting' being an overrated term, due to the fact that just flailing your arms wildly hoping that you land a hit _prob_ably doesn't count as fighting.

So Usagi's mind did the only thing it could in that situation—explode.

"This...is....I....what....Mamo-chan....Seiya..........ack!" Usagi ran off behind a nearby alley, seeing if she could ignore the fight and make friends with a hobo named Jim who lost a finger in Vietnam.

Mamoru briefly saw Usagi flee from the fight. He sighed inwardly. Great, not only would he be sleeping on the couch, but he would also be getting very re-acquainted with his hand. (Who he had named Kevin.)

Nevertheless, he was determined to teach Seiya that Usagi loved him, and win the 'fight', per-se. He continued to flail and land the occasional slap, while Seiya was trying to 'time out' again.

"Time out, time out!"

"No more time outs!" Mamoru shouted. Seiya grumbled, and continued to slap frantically.

Meanwhile, Mako-chan, Minako, Rei, and Ami were staring at the scene, trying to decipher just what the hell was going on.

"Um...M-Mako-chan..." Minako said, titling her head, mouth still agape, "You've...been in fights before, right? And is...is this the first fight you've seen that—..."

"Sucks?" Makoto finished up for her.

"Yeah, sucks."

"Um..." She put a finger on her chin in thought, "well...between two guys, yeah." Makoto nodded her head, and sighed, continuing to watch the horrible scene before them.

"Ami-chan, I have a question...can you predict the outcome of this er, 'fight'?" Rei asked, turning her head to the blue-haired-girl. Ami stared up at the sky in though, and crossed her arms.

"Well...if they continue going at it like this," she motioned to the two of the slap-fighting, "then either one of them has a decent chance at winning."

"That's uh...sad." Rei said, blinking.

"Yes. Yes it is."

_SEGWAY!_

"So. Wonderful. I can't stop them myself..." Usagi sighed, falling against the alley wall. "Nyeargh...." She grumbled, and felt her brooch. She debated in her head whether or not she should transform to end the uh, 'fight'. She racked or brain, and let out a soft wail.

"This is hopeless! I'm just going to transform and show them that their fighting is pointless!" She gently lifted the golden-heart-shaped brooch up, and sighed.

"MOON ETERNAL POWER, MAKE-UP!" She defied physics, and spun, twirled, and _sparkled!_ to the heart's delight, taking the estimated twelve minutes to change into her clothes with the protruding angel wings in the back. She posed towards nothing, and set off to stop the two of them from making even bigger asses of themselves.

Meanwhile, a hobo who Usagi didn't notice was clutching his bottle of whiskey and twitching at the sight he had just seen. A girl who twirled and danced and sparkled? Jesus Christ, what was he on?

"I need more sleep..." He grumbled.

* * *

_SEGWAY!_

The two men in the 'fight', hands on their knees and panting, gave cold glares to each other. Okay, so slap fighting wasn't really doing anything, and wasn't helping the situation any. Now what?

"Stop right there, you idiots!" Mamoru and Seiya looked up to see Sailor Moon in all her girl-powery glory, standing on top of a small building and glaring down at the two of them.

_'Crap...' _Mamoru and Seiya thought at the same time.

"You two are fighting over a girl, who already _has _her heart on her Mamo-chan! You two are acting like morons! And in the name of the moon, I will punish you!" She leaped down gracefully from the building, and Mamoru and Seiya stared at her.

"Um..._Sailor Moon_...could you just let us finish, please?" Seiya said, glancing briefly to Mamoru.

"No."

"Well, why _not_?"

"Because if you two don't stop, somebody's going to get scepter'd." She said, and narrowed her eyes, almost telling them 'lay one more finger on each other and I _will _slap-a-bitch'.

The inner Senshi and Chibiusa looked at Usagi in her uniform, and all made odd faces. The only thought running through their mind was _'what is wrong with her'?_

"Oh Jesus..." Rei said, slapping her forehead. Makoto and Minako continued to wear 'WTF' faces, and Ami sighed, once again pretending she didn't know any of them.

"Holy crap, it's Sailor Moon!" Random audience member number 1 yelled out.

"Yes. Now, if you two don't _stop—._" Seiya quickly slapped Mamoru on the cheek, who narrowed his eyes at him and returned the favor.

"Hey! _Hey! _I just said stop, dammit!" Usagi yelled, her eyes wide with anger. She folded her arms, and grumbled, watching as the two slap-fought some more.

"I said _stop!" _She yelled, and the two ignored her again. The inner Senshi grimaced.

"Ooh, she's gonna blow a gasket..." Minako said, spawning popcorn and watching the event unfold. Makoto grabbed various handfuls of it, and shoved it in her mouth, gleefully watching as Usagi was about to choke-a-hoe.

"_Stop right now!" _She yelled, although still having no effect. She stomped her foot on the ground in frustration.

"_That's IT! I. Said. STOP!" _She yelled. All hell broke loose. Her odango ornament caused shock waves from her loud yelling, and the two 'fighting' men were knocked back, along with a fair majority of the audience.

_'Crap, I forgot she could do that!' _Mamoru thought, wincing.

_'Jesus in a racecar!' _Seiya thought, eyes wide with fear/astonishment. The two of them looked at each other, and silently agreed they would stop 'fighting'.

As soon as Usagi's wailing had died down, she blinked, and saw nearly everybody toppled over or about to. She widened her eyes, and put a hand to her mouth.

"Oh...um...sorry, everyone...again!" She said awkwardly, and blinked at the scene.

"...I...gotta go I left a......a.....a _food_....in the oven. Nyeaah!" She fled awkwardly, and Seiya and Mamoru tilted their heads at the teenager, who had just stopped them from 'fighting'. He stood up slowly, swaying slightly as his feet touched the ground.

"Well then...truce?" He reached a had to Seiya, who grabbed it and stood up.

"Truce. Besides, I feel kinda bad for you. She's going to kill you. You're pretty whipped, you know that?" Seiya said, chuckling. Mamoru turned his head, hiding a flush.

"Sadly, yes." He ruffled his hair and sighed. He put his shirt back on, and decided to try and explain things to Usagi before he had his testicles ripped off.

* * *

"...and _why_, pray tell, did you not _stop_ when I asked you to, _Mamo-chan?_" She said, her eyes glowing with some sort of rage. Mamoru was, to say the least, scared shitless. Despite his girlfriend being klutzy, a crybaby, and slightly ditsy, she could be a force to be reckoned with if angry or jealous. Currently, she was angry, which was a _whole lot _worse than Jealous Usagi.

"A-ano...we had a dispute to set...!" Mamoru said, smiling nervously at his girlfriend. She wasn't buying it.

"_Mamo-chan......._"

* * *

"AUGH! GOD! NOT THE HOSE, NOT THE HOSE! Mamoru yelled, and Seiya, Yaten, and Taiki looked up at the window and sighed.

"You know Seiya," Yaten said, a low chuckle escaping his lips, "if you were with the Odango Atama, then that would be you right now, getting your ass handed to you." Taiki laughed, and Seiya flushed.

"Yaten, shut it! Besides, I'm pretty sure I'll never beat him. But s'okay. I'll get over it eventually." The three of them transformed, and headed off back to their home planet.

And everybody lived happily ever after.

Except Mamoru, who got the hose eight times that day.

* * *

_Mamoru is so whipped, I swear._


End file.
